Post miscarriage I’ve done my best to stay as positive as I can, embrace others who I know were pregnant the same time as us, or have recently announced that they are pregnant. This is, undeniably, incredibly hard but I find that, the less thought you give it, the less wasted energy you spend being upset, depressed, envious and angry, (all of which are negative emotions, that you don’t want to be built up inside your mind). I’ve trained my mind to be happy for others, as I’m sure our miracle rainbow baby will happen soon, and I want others to be happy for us too when we share our news.
One of the hardest parts for me is that I still felt and looked pregnant for days and months post miscarriage. It took me almost 6 months to get back to feeling good inside. Post miscarriage is a difficult road, as the comments one gets can either be enlightening or damming.
You got pregnant, which is a good sign
You’re extremely fertile post D&C so you have a good chance
You’re still young enough, but be careful as time isn’t on your hands
41 is cutting it fine, for your chances of a healthy pregnancy
Have you thought about IVF or IUI?
You only miscarried at 8 weeks it could have been further on
You need to chill out and relax
Stress isn’t good for you, take it easy
Your hormones must be all over the place, it’s just a miscarriage in time you’ll be ok
Wow you look glowing, (you almost feel like people want to ask are you pregnant yet)?
And all you want people to do is ask how are you feeling?
Having suffered with weight issues for a long period of time in the past, post miscarriage with my body has taken almost 6 months to get back to feeling myself, some people reading this may think ‘what are you talking about, you were only 8 weeks pregnant’, but trust me, I looked as if I was 4 months pregnant. I always knew when I would get pregnant that I would be big, but as something beautiful was happening inside, the feeling of my body changing shape, was accepted gracefully. After all I’ve already got the stretch marks which I had when I was a teenager from being overweight, and I’ve learnt to live with them and admire them.
So, I decided that I wasn’t going to become obsessive and driving myself mad to get in shape post miscarriage and depriving what I ate – which takes a lot from someone who’s had eating issues and battled with weight issues. This kind of situation can trigger a memory of my behaviour from my past and send me into lockdown of depriving myself with my food intake, however, I was determined not to beat myself up and trust that my body will do what it needs to when its ready to, and time is a great healer. And that’s exactly what I did, I didn’t restrict myself, stop going to places and enjoying my food, beat myself up about not exercising etc. So I am really proud of myself, I guess it shows how far I’ve come.
The major factor in keeping me strong is that I have to stay positive, occasionally I have moments when I just say to myself why, and then I have to be thankful that it wasn’t meant to be, and hopefully a healthy baby will come soon and be content that we didn’t give birth to a baby who wouldn’t have a good quality of life.
Apart from my body getting back to shape it’s also the emotional attachment and the big question WHEN WILL I FALL PREGNANT?
Each month has it routine, and every month that I’m not pregnant I try to switch things up.
Sometimes I think I shouldn’t drink alcohol, I shouldn’t drink too much coffee, I need to eat more foods high in folate, don’t be too stressed, just chill, go away for the weekend, try every other day during the fertile days and ovulation, morning, afternoons and evenings. The list is endless but at the end of the day, I’m sure if there was a magic trick to getting pregnant we would all be doing it. Over the last few months, I am doing the best I can naturally to get my body back to a happy balance, I’ve been to see homeopath, I’m having reflexology and I have been taking Chinese Medicines for 4 months. I do believe that everything in life happens for a reason, and it wasn’t meant to be for us at this time. However, we need to stay positive and get through life obstacles and trust that what’s meant to be will be.
As each month that goes by that you’re not pregnant it’s the hardest. Especially when you get symptoms that you had when you first got pregnant, pulling pains after ovulation date, tired, bloated, swollen boobs, migraines etc. I always think maybe I could be… Then the waiting game sets in, two weeks till period due date, and then the waiting game of should we or shouldn’t we do a pregnancy test?
Since the miscarriage I have had two situations where I was a day or 2 days late, got super excited, did a pregnancy test and literally got my period straight after doing the test. That’s taught me not to do that anymore, as it’s a waste of an expensive stick! I just have to be patient. But this waiting game each month is the worst feeling, as much as I try to ignore the two weeks post ovulation date, I’m thinking maybe this could be our lucky month…
It’s amazing how years ago you never had sticks that would give you a smiley face to tell you that you’re ovulating. I always laugh to myself when I drive past an anti-speed device, which either has a green smiley face 🙂 or if I happen to be driving too fast I get a red unhappy face ☹. When you’re trying its as if I keep passing them on the road and they are giving me the green light to try or if I’m driving over the speed limit then I’m faced with that unhappy face… Just to keep reminding me about ovulation sticks!
By sharing my story, I hope it will bring comfort to someone searching, and to let you know that you are not alone in feeling the way that you do. If you want to reach out and talk, I am an open book and I am always here. Sharing our experiences only makes us stronger together. I’m so grateful that I found the courage to be open about my miscarriage, my journey has connected me with some beautiful women, which had I not been open, I would have never had insightful and meaningful chats with women that I have never met. For all of you women who are reading this blog and who’ve connected with me and offered your advice, I am eternally grateful to you, and I wish for those who haven’t yet got their miracle baby, then I pray that your special time will come soon.
Additionally, for those who want to learn more about the harsh reality of miscarriage, I would recommend taking a look at the ‘Out of Sight, Out of Mind’ report that was released earlier this week, with the aim of spreading awareness. It focuses on the numbers and facts surrounding miscarriage and provides important information that will help to educate and inform those who may not have such a deep understanding. It truly helped put things into perspective for me and I would suggest taking a look at their incredible work –
Situations which are hard but I have to be happy for others and hope that one day our rainbow miracle baby will come
- Seeing babies on social media, either people having babies who were pregnant the same time as us, people announcing their pregnancies, people giving birth. These are daily situations which I see, but I always feel happy for everyone and embrace their moment, after all you never know what they have been through, and please G-D one day we will be in the same position
- Walking into shops like The White Company: when you visited when you first found out that you were pregnant, standing in the queue looking at the baby section, can be hard, but I find if you avoid places or shops that associate to pregnancy or babies it makes it even harder
- Knowing that our baby was due in October
- Each month waiting for your period post ovulation day always seems like the two longest weeks
- Deciding how long we will try for before we decide to go down the IVF Route
Baby Loss Awareness Week culminates with the global “Wave of Light” on 15th October, which is also recognised as International Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day.
I would like to invite you to join other families across the world by lighting a candle at 7pm local time and leaving it burning for at least one hour to remember all babies that have died too soon. This can be done individually or in a group, at home or in a communal space.
To join the virtual Wave of Light, take a photo of your candle and post it to Facebook, Twitter or Instagram using #WaveOfLight at 7pm local time. Wherever you do this, you will be joining a global ‘Wave of Light’ in memory of all the babies who lit up our lives for such a short time.
Photo credit – Jessie Kanelos Weiner
Thank you to Jessie for allowing me to use this Illustration. You can follow Jessie on Instagram @Jessiekanelosweiner or visit https://jessiekanelosweiner.com